Podcast Episode: Mel White - parent coach and neurodivergent vegan on authenticity and careers

Transcript

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (00:01)

Welcome, Melanie White. How are you doing?

Mel White Parent Coach (00:03)

I love that there's two Melanies.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (00:07)

I know, I've had quite a few Melanies on this show. I know, it's not that common, it?

Mel White Parent Coach (00:11)

Really? ⁓

Hmm, I think not.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (00:16)

I heard that Melanie is French for dark or black, so I like to get really serious.

Mel White Parent Coach (00:21)

Correct, it's Greek for the dark. Yes, I have done the research. Yes, I love it.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (00:24)

⁓ great.

Yeah, we have to research our name.

So speaking of backgrounds of things, would you like to start off with, for those who don't know, what you do and how you ended up doing what you do?

Mel White Parent Coach (00:45)

Yes, great question. So I'm a parent coach and a youth mentor. And I specialise in working with parents with tweens and teens. So kind of from age 10 all the way through to like early 20s. ⁓ And I started off actually in marketing. So my background's in marketing. I've spent the last sort of eight years in like corporate marketing life.

⁓ And then about halfway through that, I decided to shift into youth mentoring. So, working with the teens. And then, kind of after a year of doing that, I thought this is all well and good, but I'm doing all this great work and like loving working with the teens. But then the teens get home, and the parents have no idea what they're on about. So then I was like, okay, there's a gap here, and I need to kind of bridge that gap. So now I work with both.

So ⁓ yeah, that's kind of how I ended up here.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (01:43)

So how did you make that transition? Did you need to upskill in some way? How did you go from marketing to this?

Mel White Parent Coach (01:52)

Yeah, great question. So I've always been a leader with Girl Guides Australia. So I grew up as a Girl Guide, always worked with girls and young women, and I've always volunteered there. So I did that for many, many years and still do that every Monday night, which I love.

⁓ But sort of leaned into my passion and purpose in that way and I actually went on a retreat after being really burnt out from the corporate world I just was like I'm taking myself off to Bali as you do and ⁓ I basically was like doing some meditation with my life coach at the time and I was like this is what I want to do. This is my purpose. This is what I'm meant to be doing; marketing is all well and good. It's a great skill, but it's not my like life goal, purpose, mission.

⁓ But working with young people and helping them have the best possible experience as a teenager is my goal, and that starts with the parents. So, yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (02:50)

Interesting, interesting. How, how do you support parents and what sort of, what sort of challenges have you seen parents facing, and how do you connect? Sorry to bundle a few questions together, but how are you connecting your form of support with other types of support that parents need?

Mel White Parent Coach (03:06)

Yeah.

Great question. Like coming back to, I forgot to answer your question about what I had to do to upskill, right? So that kind of ties into this. So I had I've got certifications in live coaching, I kind of started with that. And I thought that's a good place to start. And then I upskilled into adolescent psychology. And now I'm studying to be a registered counsellor. So in that sense, that's kind of my realm of scope. And so the type of support that I offer is a lot of group support workshops, one-on-one. And my main piece and parcel is being this bridge between the parent and the teen, which is where things seem to get lost or there's this disconnect, right? So for me, my job is, as you know, I've just turned 30, so I'm kind of smack bang in the middle of, I'm still quite like, can remember myself being a teen and reflect on those lived experiences. I'm not a parent.

Yet, and so I'm not quite in that space. So I have that realm of possibility where both parties are open to listening to what I have to say And so it's less about you know Me being the expert and it's more about sharing those lived experiences and everything I do is based around curiosity So if I can get the parents curious about different things and trying new things and if I can get the kids curious about being open to new things and understanding where their parents are coming from, you're just going to have a connection naturally. So that's how I've kind of done it in a sense.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (04:47)

Right, right. So you're basically helping people to explore their own curiosity. And from what I understand about coaching, it's how people are going to find their next step. Whereas therapy can sometimes be trying to fix a problem or delve into someone's past, but what you do, you're, you're focusing on how to make the next step and, and get a bit decisive.

Is that sort of where people aim?

Mel White Parent Coach (05:19)

Yes, so I like to think of myself as future-focused. And yes, it's important to think about what has been done. But I am a strong believer in what's done is done. And we can only control what we do tomorrow or what we do next. Right? So I do a lot of work in like the circle of control and looking at what's in our realm of control, particularly for parents. That's a tough one, as their kids transition to being teenagers from kids, where you do have a lot more control.

You have to learn to let go a little bit, and that's hard. But when we do look at the circle of control, it's like, what is in that, that circle for you as a parent and for you as a team and making sure that, yeah, we're looking forward, not backwards because it's very easy, particularly for teenagers to go, oh, well, mom and dad, they did this and that really upset me and I don't trust them now. And so, and same thing.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (06:15)

focusing on the past.

Mel White Parent Coach (06:16)

That's right. And same for the parents, like, well, my teen betrayed my trust by sneaking out or underage drinking or whatever it is. And my job is to come in and facilitate and be like, okay, things have happened that have gotten us to where we are now, but what are we going to do next? That's going to shift that because we can't dwell on that. Even though it's happened, we have to have forgiveness, and we have to move forward. Otherwise, we have nothing.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (06:45)

think that that theme there, that aim is something that we can all learn from, because a lot of people listening will not be a parent of an adolescent, but we might be perhaps really stuck in the past, and even we might have made mistakes ourselves. I know that I can have moments where I'm thinking about a mistake I made, but then, well, what's going to happen next? So

Mel White Parent Coach (07:10)

Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (07:14)

In all of your coaching and learning to do counselling and doing that, have you been exploring how can anyone just take action to move forward instead of living in the past?

Mel White Parent Coach (07:30)

you

Yeah, and it's, it is a powerful one that you can apply to any situation. So obviously my niche is parents and teens, but you think about these core principles, and I do have people messaging me a lot, going, I'm not a parent, I'm not a teen, but what you're saying makes sense, and I'm going to try it. So you're very right. The principles at their core are applicable to any situation. And so if we come back to curiosity, if you are again thinking about something that you've done or a mistake that you've made, and I was just thinking about this earlier with someone, it's about how do you make it a learning moment rather than a failure?

And particularly with young people, it's how do you forgive yourself so that you can move forward? Forgive yourself, but then also it needs to come from both sides, just like in any relationship. You have to both forgive and come into this place where you're like, okay, we mess up, we're human, and it's actually okay. And be vulnerable with that because I think sometimes as adults, we are very defensive of our mistakes, and we're very easy to go, well, I'm never gonna do that again and then next week I'm gonna do the same thing. It’s like.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (08:45)

Yes, actually, there's a question.

How do we forgive ourselves when I feel like I'm dealing with this right now, and maybe other people are as well? So I hope this will really resonate that sometimes, because we are distracted or just not thinking, we make the same mistake again. How do you go about forgiving yourself in all that?

Mel White Parent Coach (08:56)

Mm.

Yeah.

Ask myself questions, and if or if it's someone that I'm talking to, I ask questions. Now the questions I'm asking are not like interrogating questions, like why did you do that, or it's more about getting curious and going, what got in the way, you know what got in the way of me not doing that thing or doing that thing, achieving that goal. If it's like if we use a really simple example of like okay, I'm

I'm not gonna eat McDonald's for a whole week. People do this all the time, right? I'm not gonna eat McDonald's for a whole week. You make it a whole day. And then the next day, you're like, you buy your McDonald's and you eat it. And then you're on that repeat pattern, right? You do it every week. You start on the Monday, and you go, I'm not gonna have McDonald's. How do you forgive yourself? Well, you ask yourself questions. You reflect in that moment, and you go, ‘What has brought me here? And how can I create a stopgap in myself so that I can take a moment and go, okay. Really feel like McDonald's. I know that my intention was to not do that. What could I do instead? And that's what I mean by getting curious and having fun with it. It's not about like being super strict with yourself or again, like punishing yourself. It's about, okay, maybe I'll go for a drive, or maybe I'll go for a walk, or maybe I'll pat my dog to give me that same feeling. What is the feeling or the intention behind that choice?

So with McDonald's, maybe it's like, want dopamine. I want something to give me that quick fix of like, yum, that tastes really good. Is there something else that I can do in my life that's gonna give me a similar feeling? So I just like to ask myself those questions. What is the purpose? What is the intention of whatever it is that I've done? And if it's a mistake, what's the purpose or intention behind what's happened here? And what can I intentionally do differently?

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (11:00)

Right. What can I intentionally do differently? Do you ever find yourself or people you work with needing to make the most of an odd situation? Make the most of it.

Mel White Parent Coach (11:13)

Yes, yes. ⁓ I feel like sometimes when you think about intention and why you're doing something, and let's take the scenario of you have made a mistake, maybe it's you've upset someone. That's a common one in adult life. You know, you maybe say the wrong thing and you consistently say the wrong thing, right? And maybe it rubs people the wrong way.

You have the, your intention is to not hurt that person. Your intention is to get an answer or, you know, share how you're feeling in that moment. So when someone is in that space of consistently feeling like, well, I'm failing, why am I failing? I'm just asking simple questions or yeah, I'm trying to make the most of something. It's just taking that.

I think that stop gap of three seconds to breathe and think before you speak or do or whatever it is, and just giving yourself a bit of grace. ⁓ But also, and this is my famous quote that I love is, it's actually nobody's business. You know, how you feel about yourself and how they feel about you. Right, so if you love yourself, great, nobody needs to know.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (12:26)

good.

Mel White Parent Coach (12:31)

You need to know. And same for if you don't like me, that's not my business. Like, right? So not my problem. That's a you problem. So it's not about being ⁓ not empathetic to other people's feelings, but it's about being authentic.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (12:35)

It's not your problem.

It's about being authentic. And I think what you brought up there about worrying about how other people feel about what you're doing. That's, that's such a thing now, I think, with social media and with personal branding. And I think even I, I personally, became a little bit too absorbed in the politics in the news. And I think it's because I wasn't distracted enough. I think.

And I'm wondering whether whether you have experienced yourself or with other people, just worrying too much about what other people think in general. And I would, by the way, I'd really appreciate some examples, just maybe a story, something you experienced. Surely you must've been worried about what other people think at some point.

Mel White Parent Coach (13:32)

Mm. Yeah, 100%.

Yes. ⁓ I think a good example for this is when I first started. So I've been in marketing for a while, right? But I've always been behind the scenes, you know, doing the backend stuff, creating websites, doing the whatever and doing the data and all of that. And when I started this business three, four years ago now, ⁓ my sales coach at the time said, ‘You’re going to have to get in front of the camera. And I was like, ‘No way.’ Right. And I was like, that's a hard no. I was like, I'll do a podcast. Fine. You just hear my voice. It's great. Whatever. Um, but he was like, no, you're going to have to create some reels and you're going to have to do some stuff in the, you know, be the face of your business. And actually, as you said earlier, personal brand, and it took so much, so much effort for me to get over that. Number one, imposter syndrome.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (14:10)

I know the feeling.

Mel White Parent Coach (14:38)

which is the classic example. Like, what am I doing here? Why am I showing up? Nobody cares what I have to say. Like all of this stuff, you know, and then also showing up in a way, like at the very start, you'll see like a lot of my videos, very curated, very like, you know, the hair's done, the makeup's done. And now on the daily, I'm showing up on my reels, like straight out of my pyjamas or straight out of a Pilates class, because I guess the shift there is, yeah, like you said, not really caring what other people think about how I look, because it's more about the message. Right? So I had to think about intention and go, right, what, why do I care? Number one, why do I care? And again, it's that internal rhetoric. Okay. I care because people might say nasty things, you know, you might get horrible comments. Like, people might not want to follow me because I'm too ugly. Like all the things that go through your, goes through your mind. does.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (15:34)

You were thinking,

Can you believe I kind of had that as well? And I had a background talking to community groups, but that's so different because you have that moment in person, and then it's done. No one can relive that unless someone was filming it, but normally they're not. And it's kind of like how you are behind a desk, actually worked in marketing as well. So I get that feeling where you're just, you're behind the scenes, but even

Mel White Parent Coach (16:01)

and bring away.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (16:03)

If you're not creating something that can be relived, then there's a bit of a freedom in that. And so there's that feeling of we are expected to be on video now. So you had that feeling that I had as well. totally relate to that, especially doing the podcast. These are all on video, but hearing those thoughts that you had about yourself, I am stunned because you look amazing. You look so professional, but.

Mel White Parent Coach (16:22)

Mm-hmm.

you

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (16:33)

And my internal dialogue is, God, I never liked my hair on these things or whatever it might be. And so you're saying we need to just free ourselves from all that.

Mel White Parent Coach (16:39)

No, it's always...

Yeah, free yourself from it. like, even though I could be remiss of me to say, ⁓ just let it go and don't think about it because we know that's not reality. And particularly with my background working with teens, I know that that's top of their mind. What people think of them, how they look like their friends, are their everything and their perception and all that stuff. But what I will say is what you're giving is more than what you look like.

and it's that famous like adage you know on your deathbed at your funeral are they gonna say oh she released really beautiful tiktoks no you know what they're gonna say she shared a really wonderful message and helped lots of people that's what they're gonna say they're not gonna say oh her hair looked on point like you know what i mean so it's like perspective yeah

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (17:38)

Yes, what's going to matter at the end of the year or life?

Mel White Parent Coach (17:43)

Mm-hmm, that's right. Yeah, and it's hard because in the moment you go, but people do care in the moment. But then, when you think back, like all the funerals I've gone to over the years, I've never said, ‘Wow, they really like, they nailed the hair curlers.’ Like, no, you're thinking about the things they did in their life and the memories and the places they went and the people they met and the things that they shared with the world. You're not thinking about, you know, did they look good in that photo? So, but yes, it's very hard and I understand that.

to put that big wide lens on, but I think that's where it comes to like just a bit of perspective sometimes.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (18:21)

Yes. And especially in that social media space, you're dealing with young people who are on social media, and I'm guessing are they sort of connecting with their friends through social media? And have you also found that your friends or people close to your age is sort of connecting with the people they know on social media. And there's a, there's a disconnect between what's online and the rest of reality.

Mel White Parent Coach (18:53)

100%. A good example, and she won't mind me sharing this, one of my best friends, lifelong friend, like known her since pre birth. She knew me while I was in the womb. ⁓ She recently had a baby, and ⁓ she has always been like this just glam, know, glamorous person, always got the makeup, the hair, everything, just like looks like high fashion. And ⁓ when she had a baby, she really had to take a step back and realised number one was important, what was the priority for the day, and that was to just keep the baby alive. ⁓ But also showing up on social media, she said to me, I feel like I can't show up because I haven't done my makeup, I haven't done my hair. And she goes, and all I want is to just post pictures of me in my bath, and you know, doing well and happy. And she's like, I feel like there's this thing, this wall stopping me going, no, but you've got to go and put your face on because that's what she was used to and that's what she's seeing, being served to her in terms of the content that she consumes and all these, you know, the mum talkers and all of that stuff that's out there. Yeah, have you not seen Mum talk? It's crazy. Secret lives of Mormon wives. It's a big thing. It's massive. So they're like, they're all the hair extensions, the plastic surgery that, you know, and they've got like, they've got, they're pregnant and they've got a baby on the boob. And it's like, that's not a...

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (20:00)

Mom took us?

Mom talk.

Okay.

Mel White Parent Coach (20:21)

a reality that the average person is going to be living. These are multimillionaires that have chefs and makeup artists on hand and all of this stuff. And they get ready for the cameras, and they do all of that. And she's seeing that content because she's a new mom, and the algorithm knows, and they're serving it to her, and she's showing me, and she's like, this is what I'm dealing with. How am I supposed to show up online? And then I have to show her the other side.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (20:48)

That's really interesting. I still believe in putting our best foot forward, but if we're thinking about what's the entire reality for the people we look up to, I don't, I wonder how many people wake up completely done up and made up.

Mel White Parent Coach (21:10)

⁓ zero.

There's no way, you know, it's that, have you ever seen Mad Men? Yeah, great, great show. If no one's watched it, go and watch it. It's that classic 1950s housewife where they wake up in the morning and they get out of bed quickly and they put their face on and they lay back in bed so that their husbands only see them with their full face on. And it's, it is, it's the patriarchy.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (21:16)

Yes.

Interesting. I, that's so fascinating because I seriously haven't put makeup on in a few years. And I, I think that that really stemmed because I was in Queensland for a while, where the weather was so sweaty that the makeup would just kind of drip so quickly. It wasn't worth it. But so I understand that for some women, want to acknowledge for some women, okay.

Mel White Parent Coach (21:57)

Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (22:03)

It feels right. makes them feel good. And even if someone is into a surgery, whatever you're into, you do you right. But it's the pressure that we're all meant to look a particular way. And I think that that kind of standardisation is going on in all sorts of spaces because you came from corporate, I came from spaces where if you're a speaker, you're meant to all be in the same suit, but then that's not what it's like in a TED talk. It's not what it's like in communities.

Mel White Parent Coach (22:09)

Yeah, but I've heard you've got it.

Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (22:33)

So part of this is just having the freedom to be ourselves.

Mel White Parent Coach (22:39)

Yeah. Yeah. And that's what we want. That's what I want to share with the next generation coming through is that even though they are bombarded with all of this and also parents, like even my parents, ⁓ my mom in particular, you know, they are influenced, they were influenced by the Hello Magazine and you know, Women's Weekly and that kind of thing, right, which was the social media of their time. And I don't actually think there's that big of a difference between

Mel White Parent Coach (23:09)

that are now about volume.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (23:11)

Well, previously, it was, of course, a mass message to anyone who saw a cover of a magazine in a shopping centre. And now we're seeing whatever comes into our social media feeds, but it's, it's very similar because you're a bit younger than me, just a little bit, but I like to feel young at heart. But I grew up in the days when Britney Spears was starting off and wearing a crop top, and that was amazing. I'm so glad she was having fun in that moment in time, but I knew that I wasn't going to look like that. And now we have a different version of social media. There was a phase when everybody wanted to look like the Kardashians, and we keep having something else that women still look like.

Mel White Parent Coach (23:42)

Thank you.

Yes.

Yes,

Yes, that's exactly right. And, and I think it is this, you know, perception versus reality, of course, but also what's really hard is when the lines get blurred, because as I said, before, when you see something consistently, it's like that, ⁓ the example would be okay, a cult, social media is a cult, right? Because you are essentially being served a message, consistently, if someone tells you that the sky is green for long enough, you're going to start to believe it. Yeah. Yeah. And with teens, they're just these giant sponges of trying to create their own values, neural pathways and decisions and choices in life. And all of these messages, some are going to stick, some are going to flow through, and that's so fine.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (24:36)

Can you believe it? It's the consistency over time. ⁓

Mel White Parent Coach (24:58)

But some are gonna stick, and it's the ones that stick that worry me. ⁓ But there's good out there too, and I think that's where it's like, know, there is really good stuff and like the stuff that you you share or that I share or anyone else that's in like a community of people that have a good message to share. It's like we want to over overlord the negativity, but it is hard.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (25:23)

It is hard. And I wanted to really acknowledge that it's okay to want to look glamorous. It's okay to do all those things. But if I think what we're dealing with here is when we end up expecting that everyday reality to look like the filtered version and look the version of it that I have been contributing, just because I have no choice, is that people will see what I put on social media, and it's not all airbrushed. Sure. We also select what goes online and people see. This looks great. This looks like it's doing well, but they really don't see the other things that are going on behind the scenes. And I don't know if you had that experience where people are saying, ⁓ you're doing great things online. Your life is amazing. And people decide your life is going great.

Mel White Parent Coach (26:18)

Yeah.

And or the other side, where, you know, I might show up and I'm literally in gym gear and I look a bit dishevelled and I'll get people going, you look a bit tired, babe. So you're okay. You know, or like, you know, are you doing okay? Like, you look like you're working, don't work too hard. So it can go both ways. It's like you show up authentically as probably how you look on a normal day, and people get worried about you. And it's like, well, actually, I'd love to show up more in that way. So people realise that's my normal face. ⁓

And number two, it's like, why do we feel entitled to comment about other people's appearances and those kinds of things? Just be like, ⁓ love what you shared today in that message or don't say anything at all. That's okay too. But yeah, I do think that we are in a society where we feel very entitled to share our thoughts and opinions on other people.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (27:11)

That's so interesting. And I love how this chat more than some others, it has just gone anywhere. And I love that the whole look, the online opinions thing, I can say even I had some phases of getting so anxious about even who is seeing what I'm putting online, and I have to step back and decide. So what, but the opinions, it sounds like you have had some people getting a bit extra concerned.

Mel White Parent Coach (27:18)

Yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (27:42)

But even, even I think that people have an opinion about whether you support something or not. I don't think I've copped that so much since in the pandemic, everybody had a view and opinion. You know, there was just a day, there was a time in the pandemic when either you were getting absorbed in the us and them of it, or

Mel White Parent Coach (27:53)

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (28:09)

You were either supporting everything or you are asking questions. And we're so lucky here in Australia, because I know that in other countries at the moment, people are trying to even decide are they going to just get divided or are they going to have open conversations about things. So I think that we have been really lucky in Australia that I think that people have been a bit chilled out to some extent.

Mel White Parent Coach (28:27)

Yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (28:38)

about getting too opinionated. And I'm wondering, I'm wondering whether with the young people that you're seeing, is there a sense of unity to some extent that there would be, there would be a lot of, there would be, what is it, diversity? That's the word, sorry. I mean, some of them are neurodivergent. Some of them might be, look, I'm a vegan. Some people you're working with might be, oh, you're a vegan. Okay.

Mel White Parent Coach (28:55)

Hmm. Yeah.

Yep.

Hey!

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (29:07)

Okay, that's a whole thing in itself. Okay, have you had people reacting to that over the years? When did you turn vegan?

Mel White Parent Coach (29:09)

I know.

Yeah, 10 years ago. Yes, very much so. I started off, if we want to go down that rabbit hole, but I did start off like sharing a lot about that life journey. And honestly, now I don't really tell anyone unless they ask me explicitly, you know, like it's just, it's my own thing. And the only people that really know about it is if I go to a restaurant and I say, I can't have dairy, can't have meat, can't have eggs. And then they kind of figure it out.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (29:21)

Yeah, sure.

Why?

Mel White Parent Coach (29:43)

You start listing all the things you can't eat. But ⁓ honestly, that's where I kind of, particularly with young people, you know, people like they will say to me, you know, about they'll start talking about animal rights, or they'll start talking about being vegetarian or vegan or something. And I'll share like some anecdotes or my experience and they'll, and then it gets them interested, and then they share their opinions on it. And I try very, it's funny you say this, because I try very carefully to not push agendas on people about veganism because for me, for me, it is an ethical thing, but I never want to be that person that's like, well, you eat meat, you're a bad person. But that's like a choice I made. So yeah, it's an interesting one for sure. Cause I do think I'm a little bit like passive in that way. I'm like, I've chosen this life. I don't expect anybody else to choose it. I recommend it, but you know, I'm never going to like publicly be like, be a vegan.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (30:14)

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so interesting because I think now I'm realising that Aussies do have some things that can be divisive, but in a really subtle way, because with the vegan thing, you and I probably had a similar angle there, where for a while, when I started, it was all vegan, everything used the word a lot. I was putting my food on social media to be fair. It was.

Mel White Parent Coach (30:50)

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (31:06)

Just before the pandemic and during it, there's not much else to do but share the latest bunch of beans. Sure. Yes. Well, we eat more than salad, but whatever it might be, pasta sauce or whatever, it was just all food. But it was so interesting. I didn't want it to be boxed in by it. And it's so funny now that people aren't that

Mel White Parent Coach (31:12)

Mm-hmm.

Salads.

Yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (31:34)

Generally, I'll meet up with some people and they don't know, and then I'll just say, so I'll sit down and ask, okay, what on the menu is vegan? ⁓ You’re vegan. They don't make a big deal about it, but I totally agree with you. If we were, and this is the thing that I wish everybody in the world would learn. We could have been holding a sign saying everybody needs to be vegan, and that would be nice. Look, personally, if everybody wanted to not eat meat, I wouldn't complain.

But do I expect them to? No, because that's not what people are going to do. But I think that same thing could be applied right now. People are having opinions about every aspect of life; we can't. People do what they're going to do. Do you agree?

Mel White Parent Coach (32:06)

Yeah.

you

Yeah, it's not, it's not in our circle of control, right? So it did take me a while because at the start, like my husband, he's a meat-eater. And so I still cook meat every day. ⁓ but it took me a while to get like kind of off my high horse a little bit and also look at my circle of control and go, I can control my impact on the planet, my impact on animals, my what I eat, what I choose to consume. I can't control what the person next door does, what even my husband does. ⁓ but yes, it's

It's about what you can do and what's in your control, essentially. And I do share that a lot with young people because they do get caught up in the justice sensitivity complex.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (33:03)

What's that about?

Mel White Parent Coach (33:04)

So that's a big thing in the neurodivergent world. So I myself have ADHD, and it's a massive thing with ADHD is that we get kind of hyper fixated on this concept of justice in the world, in life and particularly young people with the planet, which is one of their biggest causes of stress.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (33:27)

Okay, now we're talking.

Mel White Parent Coach (33:28)

Yeah, now we're talking. That was voted the number one cause of stress in young people, and anxiety is the planet and the way the planet is going. And so they're in this like realm of at the moment when I have conversations with young people, they're very much like, it's not fair. All the old people voting for this and voting for that. And they're just going to kill our planet, and they're going to die next week. And so, you know, it's, mean, when you think about it from their perspective, it's a fair enough feeling, but ⁓

Mel White Parent Coach (33:58)

holding on to that kind of justice sensitivity is not good for you, number one. It's stressful, and it's outside of your control. Yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (34:03)

I love that so much. hadn't heard that label for it, but you're reminding me that it's interesting because I'm actually going to be supporting an educational event with an environmental group tomorrow. So your timing is amazing and. ⁓ come along. I'll send you stuff later. I am a little bit further up north than you, but you're not that far away, but anyhow, we do all deep down actually have these concerns. It's so interesting because.

Mel White Parent Coach (34:22)

Use that. Yeah, cool.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (34:35)

Let's just say it. think that I did watch a particular monologue that's overseas. did see that this week, but we have our own stuff over here, where, I mean, let me know if you agree. I felt like it was just a few more floods than normal last winter, whatever was going on. You know, and I don't really care which scientist is right. The bottom line was that roads were closed, and I felt nervous to go outside. I don't really care what needs to be proven. But what I care about is, okay, how am I going to get through that day? And it's great that we're past that. But how many times have the Aussies been feeling really nervous about whether there will be fires again in the summer? I think that there is an anxiety around those things. And then being neurodivergent, I think we're living in a great era for things like that, because

I don't know if you saw a lot of inclusion around that or a lot of acceptance. think that when I first discovered those labels and I didn't hear the phrase or the word neurodivergent early on, but other labels, I think that there was, there was a serious stigma, and I think it was actually, there was outright bullying around those sorts of things. So I think that stuff has evolved, but we are still feeling sensitive about, okay,

Mel White Parent Coach (35:34)

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (35:58)

Can we be honest about what we eat? Will people care, or can we be open about being on a spectrum, and how can we share our anxiety about the environment around us without getting too wrapped up in the anxiety? Have you seen that just with people around you?

Mel White Parent Coach (36:07)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a lot. As I said, particularly with young people, but also in the corporate world. You know, if we go back to that, one of the biggest examples I can share is, you know, finally get into a point where I felt confident enough to share with my workplace about having ADHD and the support needs that I may require, and basically getting bullied out of the company. ⁓ Because

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (36:44)

Do you mind if I ask what happened there?

Mel White Parent Coach (36:46)

Yeah, so essentially they just didn't understand it. There was a cultural barrier. ⁓ And it was essentially thought of as something that was more of a problem for me to fix, rather than to be accepted or, you know, in that sense or to feel included. Yeah, and it was like, you know, it was just a lot of misunderstanding, me feeling misunderstood.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (37:06)

Just.

Mel White Parent Coach (37:15)

them not understanding where I'm coming from, or the things I'm saying, or how I might be feeling, and then putting that blame back on me, being like, that's a you problem, need to sort that out. So yeah, it was a really interesting time. But now, because of that experience, and this is what I mean with the things that you do in your past that shape your future experiences, and same with parenting, is that now I don't disclose that unless absolutely necessary, you know, or I feel that's why I'm my own business, right? Because I don't have to deal with that anymore. But after I left that workplace, there was like a few other workplaces that I went to, and I purposefully chose not to share that.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (38:00)

Not to mention it. Yeah. That's, I talked with someone who who said, check the psychological safety of a space. And it was actually another Melanie, Melanie Smith. So the Melanies are just coming up with all the nuggets right now. Yes. So I think that you really experienced, it's just.

Mel White Parent Coach (38:18)

Mmm.

They're just coming out.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (38:29)

It sounds like that must have been relatively recent, though that that happened.

Mel White Parent Coach (38:32)

Yeah, yeah it was. It wasn't too long ago, probably just over a year ago, I say.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (38:38)

That concerns me so much because that sort of thing, I saw that going on very early in my working life. I think it was about, oh wait, oh nine, 2009. Mean, it's just so long ago, and people will tell me, this is actually interesting. People will tell me that things have evolved. People are more understanding. And I think that there's so much online, and there's so much in

Mel White Parent Coach (39:02)

Hmm

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (39:08)

The media about being inclusive. And we're sort of led to believe that the world is inclusive now. But then things like that will happen. And so you can't always assume that people are as understanding as you expect them to be.

Mel White Parent Coach (39:25)

Yeah, and coming full circle to that is this particular company prided themselves on diversity and inclusion. And you know, that company culture was everything and all this stuff, but again, it was how they wanted to be perceived online versus what was the reality behind closed doors.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (39:48)

My goodness. love when that metaphorical mic jobs and what's moving forward. think the empowering thing now, I think we need to look at the upside and all this because I just, I think that stuff is happening left, right. And centre and open intended. And at least you have created your own brand, your own business and pivoting from young people for a second. If you.

Mel White Parent Coach (39:52)

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (40:18)

If you can guide people close to our age, who or anyone who has come out of a situation like that, like that where they may be realised they can't share their truth. I know some parents are told, ‘Don’t mention your family life because that's private and it has nothing to do with this, even though it affects what time you can show up in a day and all sorts of things.’ So that all happens. think the question I have to you is when people realise in the space they are in, they can't share their reality, and they're ready to create their own space. Then what advice do you have to encourage that?

Mel White Parent Coach (41:03)

Yeah.

I think I'm going to come back to that original thing, which is again, it's a big learning and it takes time, and I don't expect people to just like get there overnight. But what other people think of you is none of your business. And that has taken me a long time. In fact, I'm not going to even say that I'm 100 % there. I'm about 80 % of the way. ⁓ It's a lifelong thing, I feel. But if you can just remember in those moments when someone is making you question your authenticity or whether you should share something about yourself, and you

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (41:23)

It's a journey.

Mel White Parent Coach (41:34)

⁓

feeling that sense of wanting to stop before you say, when moments you want to share, then just remember being who you are is your truth. And this is really funny, but I had like a very well known speaker in the motivational speaking world say to me in front of a crowd of like hundreds of people only last week that I was an acquired taste.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (42:06)

Ooh, I always called myself one of those. Okay. Scratching my face.

Mel White Parent Coach (42:08)

Yes, so he said, you're, yeah,

he was like, you're an acquired taste. And I just stood there and I said, thank you. I was like, thank you.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (42:20)

I'll tell you the really naughty line that I like to say for

that. I'm an acquired taste and I choose to believe that I'm yummy. You can't always say that. It's not too explicit, but I like using it occasionally.

Mel White Parent Coach (42:31)

I love that.

I love that. Well, I just said to him, thank you. I'm not here to please everybody. I have a purpose and a mission and you don't have to like me. That's fine. We don't have to be friends.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (42:46)

Guessing that you don't feel like it's the right time to say who it was.

Mel White Parent Coach (42:51)

⁓

Let's just say like he's around. He's very big. You would know him. ⁓ But yes, very well known motivational speaker. ⁓ But yes, he just said it and I just said, okay, thank you. And then I had a few people come up to me afterwards and say, that was a bit harsh. And I said, is it or is it just the truth? Yeah, is it just the truth? Like I don't expect everybody to like me. And if I did,

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (42:56)

Okay. Or a compliment.

Mel White Parent Coach (43:20)

That wouldn't be... I would be quite boring, I feel like.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (43:25)

Yeah. But with your honesty, I feel like you've been able to find your people because I just felt so reassured or at home when you said that you're a vegan as well. being open to say, you know, I don't even, honestly, I don't talk about the spectrum or neurodivergent things publicly much at all, because I just don't want to chime in to that conversation and I don't want to attract opinions.

So don't even go there. And I think it's amazing that you're honest about that. And we could bond over the vegan thing. And I think that you just find your people when you share the part of yourself that you can share.

Mel White Parent Coach (44:08)

Yes, 100%. And doesn't matter what age you are, you know, could be one, you could be a hundred. And if you do what you like and find your passion, purpose, even just a hobby, whatever it is, you lean in to that, you will find your people. Like that's science. There's no arguing with that. ⁓

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (44:22)

anything.

Okay.

Even find the chatty ones being on podcasts. We're all chatty enough to be doing this.

Mel White Parent Coach (44:37)

That's right. That's right. Find, you know, for or if you're a bookworm, go to a library. You know, you're going to you're going to find people in the crime fiction section that are also looking for a similar book. And then you'll get chatting about it. You know, there's just there's things as things for everyone. I think that's the message that I want to like share here is that loneliness is a pandemic as we know and there's things for everyone there's people for everyone and yeah sure you might be in a quiet taste I say that in meta commas you might be in a quiet taste but guess what I'm okay with that because I like myself and I'm my biggest fan first and I think that's important

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (45:07)

Really is. The loneliness is an epidemic or a pandemic or whatever it might be. Loneliness is a thing that we need to deal with. And it sounds like the self-care message, because I really like bringing this show back to the self-care goals. And I think that one thing you've really brought us to is to, to gather with people and be real enough when you're connecting with, you don't have to be a photoshopped version of yourself.

Mel White Parent Coach (45:52)

No, just be you. And also it's okay. And this is one thing I will say, particularly the neurodivergent community, because a lot of my community is, is that it's actually okay to find people that you can sit with and say nothing.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (46:04)

Okay, tell me more.

Mel White Parent Coach (46:05)

Good example, me and my husband, we're both very different ends of the spectrum. In terms of neurodiversity, I'm very like outgoing and like love to chat. He loves to be in silence. And so, you know, we will sit there, I'll have my headphones on, I'll listen to a podcast, he'll do his thing. And we're together in the space. And we're not lonely because we have company, but we're doing our own thing. And we feel comfortable enough with each other. And we know each other well enough to actually say nothing but be in the same space.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (46:37)

Know, I experienced that recently. I found that being I guess, so I don't identify as ADHD, but I have this sort of mind that's just going and going and going and going and going right. And I think that I experienced what you have seen, where when someone is the opposite, but in a happy, just content sort of way, then it can be sort of a relief.

Mel White Parent Coach (46:49)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (47:04)

I mean, I don't want it sound dependent, and I could ask you about this. It almost feels dependent, and you can correct this ⁓ quite helpfully. It feels dependent to realise that some calm people are a relief from our own minds. Does that make sense?

Mel White Parent Coach (47:09)

Hmm.

It's the yin and the yang complex. Yeah, 100%. Imagine if two yins got together, like that's just, it's nuts and it's not sustainable. And so you do need to have a balance of energies. And that's why, like my husband and I have been together for 14 years, not married for 14 years, but we've been together for 14 years. And

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (47:26)

and that's okay.

it's nuts.

Mel White Parent Coach (47:46)

It's one of those things where it's like it works because we don't match energies, we meet energies. ⁓ So yeah, I think that's important when you are finding your community or your people is it's all well and good to go out and party with a bunch of extroverts, but can you do that every single day? Probably not.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (48:06)

⁓ it's

full on, whether it's the partying. I've been in dynamics where someone is ultra chatty, and I find myself on the phone for a seriously not kidding five hours in a day. And you just, I think that you are really onto something. So maybe the chatty people need to find their mellow, contrasting person out there. I'm learning from you so much.

Mel White Parent Coach (48:17)

Whoa.

And

they appreciate, like when we're in a social setting, he hates talking to people, hates it. And he loves that I can just hold the conversation, and then he'll jump in with his quick little wits whenever he wants to. And that's, he is satisfied socially. You know, so it's like you find your people and you share that, the dynamic works because, and it's saying with friendship groups, doesn't matter how old you are, but.

In your friendship groups, you'll know there's the quiet one, there's the chatty one, there's the organized one, there's the OCD one. In a group of friends, it's dynamic. If you were all the same, I don't think it'd be a very good friendship group. It'd be quite like either really intense or really boring.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (49:15)

Yes, that's actually a great lesson for young people who are finding their friends and for people close to our age as well. I'm in a small little community group at the moment where there's one person who doesn't feel so chatty, but will quietly just bring people in one by one. And then I'm happy to just talk and talk. And I think that what you're saying is

Mel White Parent Coach (49:24)

Hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (49:42)

We can all be the different arms and legs and ears and whatnot of the space we are in. And we're all serving a different purpose.

Mel White Parent Coach (49:53)

Yes, 100%. And that's the other thing. We're all serving different purpose, but we all have a purpose. And I think sometimes people feel like that when they are in a space, maybe there's a lot of dominating personalities or whatever. And maybe they are the quieter one. This happens a lot with young people is they feel like, oh, well, I'm not important, or I'm I don't have a purpose here, because I don't have a loud enough voice, or I'm not the one who's chosen when I put my hand up or

whatever that looks like happens in corporate too, right? And I think it's like, actually, do you have a purpose? Because maybe you're the listener, you're the innovator, you're actually taking in everything that's happening and absorbing it. And then a couple of days later, you might come up with something absolutely genius. Everybody has a purpose.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (50:40)

Everybody does have a purpose that that is so important for everybody to know. And actually, again, I'm not a therapist, but I think that if anyone is really struggling with their place in the world, just reminding ourselves that we do have a purpose in being different. think this can be really reassuring because we've both gone through experiences of wondering where we fit and realising we fit some spaces more than others. So that's actually reassuring whether someone is very young and is just in the bubble of school or whether someone is in a corporate bubble or something like that. It's reassuring to know there will be other spaces and sometimes you're a place where you are going to grow so much could be. It doesn't mean that you're wrong and need fixing. It means that there are so many spaces in the world.

Mel White Parent Coach (51:39)

Yeah. No, and you can spend the time to discover that. And the last thing I want to say on all of this is that it's okay to change your mind because that's one thing that I will say about me is I've had over 50 jobs in my life. And whether they be in marketing, when I first got out of school, I was a personal trainer. was, you know, studied nutrition. Did it, did that for a while.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (51:39)

We don't have to be everywhere.

Ooh, good.

My gosh, it's all coming out.

Mel White Parent Coach (52:07)

I've done so many different things, but I think what a lot of people are afraid of is changing their mind. And we are fed this rhetoric. You go to school, you pick your subjects that are going to align with whatever you want to do after school. And then you go and do that thing, and you study more for it. Then you go and get into that job and you stay there, and you die. Like that is, that is what we're taught. That is what we're taught. It's that, you know, when you're in kindergarten, what do want to be when you grow up?

I wanna be a doctor. Great, I wanna be a fireman. Great. ⁓ You know what I wanted to be? I was actually looking back at my kindergarten ⁓ portfolio, because I moved house and mom gave me all my stuff. And I wrote in there, I wanted to be ⁓ a primary school teacher ⁓ or a world-famous author.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (53:00)

Okay, there's still time.

Mel White Parent Coach (53:02)

Hey, I'm writing a book right now. So it's like, there is still time, but also I haven't done any of those things. I've done a lot of other things, but it's okay to change your mind because I feel like, particularly adults, were quite bad at when someone does change their mind in judging them or saying, ‘That’s quite a risk.’ Are you going to be okay? Or, you know, yeah, like that. ⁓ are you sure you've got such a good job in this?

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (53:12)

Yes.

for sure. ⁓

Mel White Parent Coach (53:29)

corporate job, like why would you leave that? You're on really good money. I just think there's a, there's this, the fear of change really can change your whole life, but also stop you from finding or changing your mind or doing those different things we're just talking about.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (53:47)

I would give the yes and to say we can try something new when we are doing the thing that's supporting us. Right.

Mel White Parent Coach (53:54)

Yes,

Yes, why, yeah, 100%. Although I'm very much an all-or-nothing person, but I agree with you.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (54:00)

Yeah, but you're you're looking at so you've started writing sorry you've started writing a book.

Mel White Parent Coach (54:06)

Yes, yes, about my parenting method, which is the curious parenting method. So it's my methodology that I created, it's trademarked, all of that fun stuff. It's what I use to help the parents ⁓ and yeah, I started writing a a couple weeks ago ⁓ and it's going good.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (54:22)

Just a couple of weeks ago, you started writing it. That's a big deal. And that shows you're still doing your main coaching and you're starting to write a book. It's, it's okay to try a few different things.

Mel White Parent Coach (54:33)

Yeah, well, if we're talking about that, I'm throwing every piece of spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, which I love. Yes, so in that sense, yes, but if we think about purpose, it's all still a lining. You know, so I think that's that's important. But yeah, don't be afraid of change. think is yeah, kids, kids in particular, so scared of changing their mind for fear of what if.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (54:47)

for sure, yes.

Yes. Fear of what if, and the, and when we've put so much into something, then we don't want it to then shift. But so much of what you're saying is that your purpose can shift. You can become focused on something else. Look, I feel like we could talk all day.

Mel White Parent Coach (55:18)

I know

I'm thinking the same thing. We could just, yeah, talk for three years and then.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (55:23)

Yes.

I normally aim for these to be around an hour, but look, I think we need to really sum up if you'd like to share three focused things. Love having three of something. If you have three things that people can prioritise in just reassuring themselves and their their next step.

Mel White Parent Coach (55:39)

Yeah.

I love this because I also love threes. ⁓ I have three core pillars, and I think you can apply it to everything. So I'm going to share them. So the first one is curiosity, obviously, get curious, ask questions, never be afraid of asking questions. ⁓ Creativity, get creative with problem-solving solutions and innovation because those three things are going to just elevate everything else, right?

And then action. It's all well and good to get curious and ask questions, and be creative about it. But if you don't follow through, it's all a waste. So do the thing. Start the blog, write the book, you know, start the podcast, do the thing. Even if it doesn't like end up the way you wanted it, get curious again and just cycle back. Get curious, get creative, do it. Start again. Keep going back. Like it's the cycle. Yeah, that's it.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (56:46)

Be curious. Look,

Melanie White, thank you so much for talking and sharing all your insights.

Mel White Parent Coach (56:49)

Thank

Thank you, this has been so fun!

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (56:56)

anytime.

Mel White Parent Coach (56:58)

So good, yes, and I can't believe we actually don't live far from each other. That's so awesome.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (57:03)

It is awesome. Okay.