Podcast Episode: Lisa Jimenez, SheisMe Creator and Domestic Abuse Survivor

Transcript

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (00:01)

Welcome to the podcast, Lisa from the She is Me movement. You are doing amazing work to give a voice to women around the world. Welcome.

Lisa Jimenez (00:14)

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (00:18)

I would like to start with curiosity about what exactly you are building and what you have created.

Lisa Jimenez (00:26)

Sure.

So She Is Me is a global ecosystem of women helping women. And it's basically our number one priority is to raise women's voices. And we started six years ago with a modest conference of about 28 women, whom I called personally, people that I knew and said, Hey, do you want to help me organise this conference and sort of raise women's voices and tell our stories because I am a survivor of domestic violence. I survived an attempted murder in 2006. And after that, I really worked on healing and wanted to share my story because I didn't want any other woman to ever have to go through what I went through. And so I wanted to create the safe space where we could tell our stories so that women knew that they weren't alone, right? Because that's one thing that we experience is shame and judgment. So we don't speak up and we don't tell, we keep the secrets. So I wanted to create this environment where we could all come together and hear each other's stories and be able to feel strength and to be able to know that we weren't alone and not feel shame and be able to take action, right, to have a better life. So we started with this small conference, and then we started doing, and this was in 2020, 2021, so this was COVID, so it was perfect to be able to do this, you digital or virtual experience. And since then, we've just expanded. So now that we're trying to use every vehicle that we can to raise women's voices, because not every woman is ready to stand up on a stage or even in front of a camera. So we have a magazine, we publish anthologies, know, books for women to tell their stories. We have stages, we have virtual events. So it's like I said this huge ecosystem. We're in 63 countries and yeah, we're growing. We're coming to Australia soon so I'm really excited about that to do some in-person events. So that's what we're all about.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (02:49)

That's so good. I'm wondering what your experience was with the online events. How did that unfold? What goes well? How do you create a real connection when people are anywhere?

Lisa Jimenez (03:05)

Yeah, so I'm lucky in that I had a very long corporate career, and I knew a lot of people from a lot of places, so I could really just call people and say, you know, do you know anyone? Do you want to tell your story? That kind of thing. And so I got a lot of referrals to begin with.

But it is, you know, the message that we had about telling stories and being together and creating community. I think it was really needed in the world. So it was, it's really caught on and, you know, people have been, you know.

like wanting to be with us. I think it just depends on what your message is and exactly what you're trying to do because it's easy to like get people together and have them all talk together online. But what's your end result? Like, what do you want to happen from that? For us, we want to inspire and empower and educate as many women as we can because there are women in countries, third-world countries that don't, they live in a tent, they might have a cell phone because cell phones are readily available and almost everyone has it and they can go on to our YouTube channel and they can watch the content and you know hear a story that they might be going through or have gone through so That was really our goal is to make sure that no other woman felt alone So really what is your goal is your goal for sales if that's the case? You know, make sure you tell people up front, like make sure you tell people, like hey, we want to sell you something, we want you to come and buy it from us, you know? Like, it doesn't have to be like that, you know, because a lot of times people come to these events and they're like, now you're trying to sell me something. I didn't know that that's what that was all about, you know, just because I was in corporate product development and marketing for a long time. So it's really important that you be upfront and transparent with people. So I think when you're trying to get together, really try, you know, try and figure out, like, who is your audience? What are you trying to do? What is that thing that you're trying to solve for people? And then that's what goes into your messaging.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (05:21)

Yes. Trying to balance selling and creating a social change. I'm very interested in that topic because I dipped my toe into events earlier this year, and I'm so keen to hear your perspective on how to fulfil both needs, because you need to cover the costs of what you are creating and you need to sustain yourself and the people who are helping you to create.

Lisa Jimenez (05:44)

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (05:50)

However, at the same time, you still want to spread the word about how people can improve their lives. It's the old question. How can we make a difference and also fill our cup? How do you bridge that?

Lisa Jimenez (06:01)

Right.

Right.

Well, for a long time, filling my cup meant just the satisfaction of having a successful event. Really, it wasn't, well, and still the conference is not a money-making event other than sponsorships that just go back into grants for people because we help women get out of financial abuse. that part of it. But we don't charge speakers. We don't charge attendees. We want everyone to have access. So that's really, we go with our conference. There are other products and services within our world that make money, but the conference itself is not a money-making venture. It really fills our cup by being able to help people. But, of course, not everybody can do that. Having started this conference, I had produced thousands of events over my career, both online and in person. So I had the experience and, yes, how do you do that? Well, you have to ⁓ give people value for their money.

And you have to, and I just had this conversation with somebody yesterday about an event that we're doing, actually, in Australia. How do we give them enough value for what they're actually paying for, right? So you have to sort of figure that out on a lot of it. You can ask people before you plan it, you know, what were you? What are you willing to pay? What what is a good value is this add on a good thing? You know, do your research before you just dive into it, or else I guarantee you're gonna lose money.

You also have to weigh out, like, do you want a lot of people there and is, you know, $49 a good amount because most people can afford that and then you'd get more people or, you know, do you want people who aren't time wasters and who aren't going to show up to be there and get something out of it? So there are a lot of factors that go into this, and it really just depends on what it is you're presenting. Is it something that needs to be a special event, one-time thing or you know can you create an evergreen course you know so there are a lot of things to consider but I'm happy to talk to you about whatever it is that you're considering not during this podcast but you know outside of the podcast I'm really happy to talk to you about that.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (08:32)

Sure. For sure. And I hope that anyone can learn from these lessons as well, because as much as I love events, I really believe that in any local area, more people can create their events because whatever I'm doing, I'm not going to be everywhere. I'll be online and I'll be in whichever places I'll be in. But also, everybody has a different angle, and you are giving a voice to women. I've been looking at the whole broad spectrum of looking after yourself and

Lisa Jimenez (09:04)

Yes.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (09:05)

I feel passionate about serving both genders and not only women, but I know that you're focusing on recovering from serious situations. And I can relate to that so much because I've seen all sorts of lived experience to know that we need those safe spaces. So, where I'm going with that is that so many people have a different angle. Some people are passionate about fitness, whatever it might be. And I think that this space, everywhere for so many more gatherings. So I think

Lisa Jimenez (09:37)

There absolutely is.

Yeah, there absolutely is. It's not just because somebody is doing a conference, you can't do it. Everyone has, there's enough for everyone. So just want to say that in the first place, there's enough for everyone.

The other thing, just, you know.

Try not to think about competition because we're really not in competition. If I do an event and you have an event, we're not in competition; we're doing separate things, we have different messages, unless you're copying exactly what we're doing, that's one thing. But typically, there are a lot of women's groups out there, believe me, because I follow all of them and they follow me and we all learn from each other, but everyone has a little bit something different. We are not necessarily just for women of survivors, but women who, like you said it perfectly, need a safe space. And that could be, anytime you want to talk about something that's sensitive, you want to feel safe. You want to be able to feel safe when you voice it.

Definitely, if you're thinking about creating an event and you're thinking about doing it, I would say 100 % do it because one thing that has been very prevalent in our society, especially since COVID, is that we've isolated more and more and more.

You know there are days when I don't leave my desk because I'm just in meetings all day and you know I go to the grocery store and I'm so and I'm talking to everybody and I'm so happy and everyone's like who's that weird lady over there because she's just chatting with everyone because I just I'm so happy to see people but I think more we need more and more community. We need more women to come together. We need to be able to touch each other, you know, like when's the last time you hugged a friend, you know, like just really be out there and collaborating, we talked about that earlier, like let's collaborate on things, let's get together, let's do more and more things when we come together, because when we come together, we're so powerful and we've gotten into this mindset that we have to do it all by ourselves and we have to do it alone and it's not good enough if we don't do it by ourselves. And that's not the case. We need partners, we need collaborators, we need to co-create things so that we don't take on all the burden. Because what happens when we try and do it all ourselves is that we

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (12:13)

Yes.

Lisa Jimenez (12:21)

And we don't succeed, then we feel like a failure, and then we, you know, we don't know how to come back from that, and it takes us a really long time. But when we have people that we're co-creating with and we're collaborating with, you know, things go much faster, you share the load, you just...

And what's the big deal? Like, I want to give you credit. I want to give you kudos. I want to lift you up. I want to say thank you for making this a possibility for me because I, you know, dreamed about these things, but I couldn't do it on my own. Mean, that just feels good, right?

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (13:02)

It really does. I think that the purpose-driven women anywhere are collaborative and generous, and the genuine ones will support each other. I think it's very rare. It happens that sometimes there'll be someone who's always wearing a mask and never takes off the mask, but it's not everybody. And it's, I assume you would have seen that there is some amazingly successful women who really connect as human beings and we can trust each other. And you talked about reaching out for help and not doing it all yourself. I'm guessing this would tie in with the with the feelings of shame or just the pride in asking for a help, because I'm wondering if there's a similar feeling, just like when we are.

Lisa Jimenez (13:35)

Mm-hmm.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (14:00)

exiting a crisis or trying to gradually get out of a crisis. There is that shamed feeling and asking for help. But then also we can feel the same way about whatever we are creating work, something creative or a movement because we want to look successful. Basically, we want to look like we're not failing. think have you

Have you seen a need to overcome the fear of looking like we fail?

Lisa Jimenez (14:34)

Personally, yes, but.

Not for a while. Like I said, I, you know, I worked in a corporate environment where it's very much male-dominated because I was in technology. And that's very much that male-dominated space mentality where they don't ask for help. They've got to do it all themselves. But what happens is then they're taking credit for others’ work or their, you know, there's a lot of really terrible things that happen. But

But when we, you know, when we co-create, like, there's almost...

The chances of us failing goes down tremendously, right? Because the other person is, you know, responsible for certain things. And then you feel sort of this accountability, and you feel like you don't want to let that other person down either. And, you know, it is about finding the right partner or group of people to collaborate with, because not every and this is where things come in. Not everyone has the best intentions. Not everybody is on that same, you know level on that same vibration, and you can very easily, if you want something so bad, very easily not see those red flags going into that relationship, because it is a relationship, going into that relationship, in trying to achieve a certain goal, but more often than not, especially self-made women, women CEOs, and women founders who are out there are…

Think more happy to help or co-create something because they've been doing what you're doing They're they're struggling and they're you know as much Let me just tell you this as much as you see advertisements out there on Facebook and Instagram and everything about I made millions and millions of dollars doing this I guarantee you if they were making millions of dollars doing it you wouldn't see their ad every other Time you scroll on the thing, right?

They're it's a machine, and they're not, that I don't think that that is always the truth, just because that's a hustle mentality, and hustle mentality is not the ease of having millions of dollars. So if you've got millions of dollars, you're not creating real after real after real after real after real and out there, you know, it's just that's just my opinion in having, you know, been in business for a really long time and

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (16:54)

Right.

Mmm.

Lisa Jimenez (17:16)

And we don't want to keep doing that. That is not.

our way, right? We want ease. We want peace. We want freedom. And what does freedom mean? Freedom means time. Freedom means being able to take time if you have kids, to be with your kids, take time to travel, take time to sit and watch TV if you want. know, like that's freedom instead of constantly go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, don't have a minute to yourself. Don't know, at your, your super mom or, you know, super CEO, like, that's not what we're trying to achieve. The new leaders of the world that I work with, that's not what we're trying to achieve. We're trying to achieve a life where we are

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (17:59)

Right.

Lisa Jimenez (18:10)

Working with other women, we are creating new systems, and we are creating this ease and freedom in our lives that brings us joy, right? Because the other way just doesn't work. All of the systems and processes that are in place right now, we have been struggling for so many years to try and fit into those, and they weren't built for us. You know, they weren't built for us, and we're just there like running on a treadmill, and we're never getting anywhere. And you hear women, especially in the corporate world, talk about, you know, glass ceilings or glass staircases, and you know, crack the glass ceiling, like, I don't want to bang my head on a glass ceiling. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't, I don't want any of that. I want to be in charge of my life, to be in charge of my business, to help others, and to be happy. And, you know, and I think about my business 24-7. I think about it, I'm going to sleep. I think about it when I wake up. How can I make a bigger impact?

It's not about how much money can I make, it's how can I make a bigger impact because I want women to be able to support themselves. I want women to be able to have that life of ease and to take care of each other, to take care of their kids and not have to worry about how they're gonna pay for daycare if they get a divorce. Why should we have to worry about that? Yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (19:43)

Yes, and that's the negotiation between we're not saying don't have money, you're saying have money, but it's not the end goal.

Lisa Jimenez (19:54)

It's not, yeah, more money is not the end goal. A comfortable, easy life is the end goal, right?

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (20:02)

Yes.

Lisa Jimenez (20:03)

So our programs, just a little plug here, our programs teach you how to have that life without killing yourself and still be able to be at home with your kids. I mean, we've thought about this long and hard. Like, what were the things that we didn't have as we were coming up? My kids are grown. My kids are 32 and 29. My kids are out of the house, but I didn't have that. I didn't have mentors. I didn't have the opportunity.

to work at a job, have my own business, and be able to have people mentor me, support me, and show me how to have a life where I could stay home with my kids and still make enough money to pay my bills and go on vacation. Like we were like how can we create that? How can we create that without that MLM, you know, bringing people, and yeah, we all have done that in fact, I started my

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (20:52)

Yes.

Gosh, I know!

Lisa Jimenez (21:03)

My entrepreneurial career in Mary Kay Cosmetics because I wanted to have a side hustle. And I knew the opportunity was there if I just got out there and did it, you know, and I did for quite a while, and I made really, really good money, but I never, I could never bring people onto my team. I hated selling that part of it. And I think there are a lot of people that do as well.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (21:21)

Wow.

Yes.

Lisa Jimenez (21:33)

And I never wanted to be, I never wanted to be that. I never wanted to say, you can't make more money, or you can't better your career in this organisation, unless you bring people onto your team. Like, no. Yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (21:47)

Wow. So the only way you can progress is by bringing people in.

Lisa Jimenez (21:52)

Yeah, I mean, how many, so you can make money. What you do is you have, you you go to people's houses and you have makeup parties, right? And you have people put on the makeup, and you try the skincare and do all this other stuff. And then they buy their products from you. So how many parties can you have every

And still have time for your kids, your husband, and everything else? One or two or three maybe, but.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (22:13)

Only so many.

Lisa Jimenez (22:20)

You know, is your husband gonna let you be out of the house every three nights a week? I mean, and I said let you because most husbands are be like, no, you need to be home with kids. I'm not.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (22:30)

Wow,

That's alarming in itself.

Lisa Jimenez (22:34)

Right? So if you could, even let's say you aren't married, and how many times a week can you get a babysitter to watch your kids so that you could go out and do ⁓ something? It doesn't matter if it's Mary Kay or Pampered Chef or any of those things, right? So you're limited in how many times you can do those things.

So that's how much money you can make every time. So let's say you make $500 every time you go out, and you do a party like this. But if you have 10 people that work for you under you on your team, you're getting a percentage of everything that they sell.

And you're not doing anything other than you brought them on the team, right? And you're mentoring them or whatever. And then, think about the people who are upline from you. They have now, if you've brought 10, they probably had 10 of you. Now they have a hundred, and then they have, you know, up the line, and they're making money on every single one of those people. So the more people you get, then you move up to the next level. And then if they bring on people, they just keep pushing you up and up and up, right? And that's what you really want. You want that pink Cadillac. You want that director-level income because you can make millions of dollars on all those people below.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (23:53)

So, do you think? I'm wondering, is it really just dangling a carrot when, whatever someone does, even if there are however many people below this person, they are still just a part within someone else's machine?

Lisa Jimenez (24:10)

Yes. Yes. And so that was something that we said we don't want anything to do like that. Like, no, we don't want you to have to sit, like bring people into the organisation for you to reach that financial goal that you want, because there's no way you could have enough parties to make a million dollars. No.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (24:31)

No,

not, not those sorts of parties. Mean, you can create a great event independent of those places. And this ties in, was going to say earlier, you talked about the glass ceiling and people talk about having a seat at the table, but whether it's an MLM or I'm seeing such a nod, whether it's an MLM or politics or corporate.

When you have seen the table, I hope you can relate. I have seen a few tables that didn't look so appetising.

Lisa Jimenez (25:11)

So we say this all the time. We don't want a seat at your table. We are building our own tables. We're building our own tables. We don't need a seat at your table. We saw the look of your table and we don't like your table. We don't want to be there. Yeah.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (25:17)

Yes!

Yes, absolutely.

The table is flimsy, honestly.

The table is made like IKEA and they don't want to admit it.

Lisa Jimenez (25:37)

So we're over here, we're building our own tables, and everyone's welcome, but we're not going over there to your tables, because sometimes there's mean girls at your table, and we don't want to be with the mean girls. We want to be over here. Those structures and processes and everything that are in place right now that I talked about earlier, and I'm talking about politics and corporate and all the stuff, all the machines that are there now that are...

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (25:59)

Yes.

Lisa Jimenez (26:04)

quote unquote normal that we aspire to get into because we're taught to do that, right? What we're working on with women all around the world is creating our own systems, which in fact, our own tables, right? Like, how do we create our own banking, our own mortgage, our own lending, our own female funders? How do we, because right now, like women in, like if you want to start your own company and you want to go and get funding 80 % of all funding goes to men 80 % so how do we then create a lending and funding and philanthropy and stuff like that around women-owned businesses

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (26:54)

Urgent question, why? Why is that percentage not going to women? Why is it so high?

Lisa Jimenez (27:02)

Because traditionally, up until 30 years ago, really, men held all the money. Men controlled all the money. And it wasn't until very, very recently that it was acceptable for a woman to be an entrepreneur, for a woman to start her own business other than in a controlled system like you know an MLM right then you could yeah then it's okay because it's cute it's a little side hustle right it's cute like yeah my wife sells Mary Kay on the side.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (27:40)

Oh, Wow. I am having the biggest light bulb moment because I very recently someone was saying to me, You're doing great. You have a podcast. I mean, the podcast has become amazing in a couple of months, but there was this sort of cuteness about it. And I for so long grew up with also sweet, you're a volunteer, hon. And I think that in so many spaces, I just.

I'm lighting up so much with what you were saying because the cuteness of the side hustle, I'm keen to know what you think about the, I'll make sure I don't quote someone's brand necessarily, but the girl boss image. just, I always just felt like a person, not a cute chick.

You know, and I'm very, very concerned that some of us are sort of shrugged off as adorable, and I'm realising you understand that.

Lisa Jimenez (28:42)

Yes.

Yeah, so I, you know, you can, you can do whatever you want. can call yourself whatever you want. But I think, you know, that whole girl boss, boss bitch, boss babe, you know, that kind of thing really just is kind of power adjacent, right? You're still mimicking the patriarchal systems and everything that are in place. So you're still holding up all of those things, trying to be at that level, trying to compete.

And even the messaging and the...

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (29:20)

toughness.

Lisa Jimenez (29:21)

The toughness, the messaging, like the lack or the fear-based, that kind of stuff is very much similar to what we see all the time. So what we do is more like power is in our softness, right? Power is in our empathy, in our community, in our election.

Allowing things to happen, attracting things in Versus chasing them down and killing them right to make them listen Or scaring them into it if you don't do this right now. You're not getting in; there's only two spots left. You know this whole, yeah, scarcity minds. Yeah

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (30:09)

All the scarcity that yes.

Yeah, that puts me off sometimes because sometimes I genuinely know that I want what someone can offer, but I'm having a lot going on in a particular week. And I think there are two types, though. There are the ones who will say, Okay, get back when you're ready. And there are the ones who say there are only a couple of spots left. And I've heard that recently. So maybe it's genuine and true, but

I think the right thing happens at the time when it should be happening.

Lisa Jimenez (30:42)

Yeah, yeah. And I mean, yes, you're right. Sometimes they're like, I can, I'm a coach, and I can only handle 10 people, and there's only two spots left. Yeah, that's a little bit different than you better hurry up, you know.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (30:52)

this case.

Lisa Jimenez (30:55)

The time's running out, the price is gonna go up and know, this whole thing that this urgency in this, ⁓ this lack of availability for people, like that's no way to, because that just doesn't that make your, like your cortisol just start running and like your nervous system like zing?

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (31:16)

Yes. And

You know what? The last time I saw someone doing that in a community, really urging people get in now before the amount changes. Hurry rush. That person then ended up very politically catty moments later. And I think it was the same energy. It was let's ramp everything up instead of let's make sure that everybody is okay.

Lisa Jimenez (31:39)

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. So we're just make sure everybody's okay. Come on in. Join the party. We're here. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? How can we help you?

That's really what we want to do. want to empower you. want you to be able to support yourself and stay at home with your kids if you want to, and build a business where you're only working a few days a month and still making enough money to support yourself and be able to help other women. So it's like we're paying it forward. We're paying it forward to them, and then they get on their feet and they're paying it forward to all the women in their community. And we're building community leaders, which I think is what we really need, right? And then become sort of this web of women that were all connected and that were all sort of on the same...

We're all talking about the same things. We're all practising the same things. And we're all just in this community, which is really beautiful. And it's not to say that we aren't political. Are you kidding me? If you read my threads, I'm ⁓ out there bashing the politicians every day because they're just such idiots. But ⁓ you know.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (33:02)

You know what I think the difference is there? Life is political, and we live in a political world, but it's whether we want to play that game and expect to win it. I think that's a bit different than just observing the political influences that are surrounding us. Do you think so?

Lisa Jimenez (33:18)

Right, right, right. And my observation of the political influences you see on any of my social media is really just like, why are you doing this to hurt people? Why are you doing this to starve people? Why are you doing this to kill people? None of this needs to happen. ⁓ None of this ridiculous needs to happen. You should be helping people.

The world is bad enough.

Do some good, you know, and the same with the billionaires, do some good. You have more money than you'll ever need for a hundred generations. You can do good. You could turn things around in this world. You could do good. And that's one thing that we do with most of our profits is they go back into grants. So that women who can't afford even the small amounts that we charge for some of our courses to get them to certain places, we're like, okay, grants, here you go. We're going to take you in.

enough to get you on your feet and get you going. Because we wish we had that. We wish we had that when we were coming up and needed help. And there was nothing like that. So we're like, how can we create something like that that we could have used that other women could need? And that's what we're always thinking. Like, OK, you don't want to stand up in front of a microphone, but you really want to tell your story, and you love writing. OK, let's start publishing books.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (34:28)

Yes!

Lisa Jimenez (34:50)

Let's start publishing a magazine so people can show off their art, or show you know write an article or you know have their face on the cover, if that's what they want, if they're you know have a big launch coming out, or something like Just things that we could do to uplift as much as possible

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (35:08)

Yes.

And the grants, I love that concept. And I applaud what you were doing so much because it's still valuing what you are providing. And the balance, so to speak, that I found is I wanted to value what I was doing. But if someone is in need, I, I disagree with the thought leaders on YouTube who'll say never discount because if someone is really in need and has the potential and is willing to grow, there are ways to, whether it's a grant or something like that, there's a way to sort of help out someone to get access to something that's valued that much. But so you are, you're helping to give access to great value without devaluing what you are doing. And that's, that is so crucial because I think that using, using business to help

Lisa Jimenez (35:52)

Yes.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (36:08)

people. actually makes sense. And the other thing that I love about your grants is one thing I want more alternatives to, which is wherever I look at the moment, it seems like the main solutions when people are in desperate need, it's to turn to the government, and it's not just welfare payments. There are so many ways that people say, Just go to the government for health insurance, for all of these things. And then there are so many strings attached to that, and it's really putting the power in the hands of a government that could be doing anything, and whether it's right or wrong, it's all concentrated into one space, but why can't business help people and provide another source of help?

Lisa Jimenez (36:53)

It is.

Right, right, and they should. You know, I mean, it's been proven over and over and over again, if you give people even a basic living income, right, that they do better, that they're healthier, that they're happier. There have been a couple of even cities in the United States that started paying their homeless population just to get them kind of on their feet. And...

it works. It works because people don't feel so desperate and so down, and they're like, okay, now I can afford to stay the night somewhere. Now I can, I can get, take a shower and go on an interview. Now I can, you know, buy it, buy new clothes so that I can go on an interview. Now I can eat a little bit healthier, so that, you know, I mean, there's just like, when you have nothing, and I know what it's like to be in this situation where your whole life has just been swept away by a flash flood, almost. like you're just standing there watching everything disappear.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (38:12)

Are you comfortable to share anything at all about where you were and what you recovered from?

Lisa Jimenez (38:19)

Yes, absolutely. So I was married for 17 years, and it was it wasn't bad from the beginning, and it never is, you know, it's one of those things that there was alcohol and addiction involved in, and it was a very slow progression to where it ended. So and that's what typically happens in domestic violence situations. Like you don't know that the person's gonna hurt you, and you get married to them anyway. Like that's just not really what happens, right? Typically, everybody loves them; they're charming, they're wonderful, and things get worse as they go along. But there are a lot of things involved in this for hours. There's a lot of things involved, and you know, sometimes if you end up making more money than them, or you know, there again there's a lot of things involved, and it

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (39:28)

them to that's okay. And we don't need to be ultra detailed. And that's okay. But you pinpointed something there. So in your in your example, making more money, have you seen that sometimes women become a target in relationships when they are growing more successful in some way than their partner?

Lisa Jimenez (39:50)

So I liken it to this. So usually when you meet someone, you're on the same level, right? You're very, you're sort of vibrating at the same level. Like, yay, I found you. I found you, yay, okay. Love, kiss, kiss, here we go. And then as time goes on, usually there is a gap.

And that's when the fighting starts, right? That gap is where, like, we can't agree on anything, and we don't know how we're going to, and sometimes, you know, it might be a day or two, and then the gap closes, and that's fine, and it kind of does this, right? But when that gap gets too big, like I'm successful, I'm enjoying my work, I'm, you know, have something, and I haven't grown at all.

Here's an example. I spoke to somebody one day, and she said, I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Two years have gone by. He still doesn't know where the vacuum cleaner is in the house. All he does is play video games, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Where were you when you met him in your life? Like, where were you? She's like, I didn't really have a job, and I was sad and I was depressed, and I just wanted to hang around my friends, and I said, and where was he? And he's like, she's like, well, he has a job, he doesn't really like it, but he's depressed, and he plays video games. And I'm like, so you guys were pretty equal when you met, right? And now where are you? She's like, I love my job. I have this great career and everything. I'm like, where is he? He's still depressed, and he's still playing video games, and he's still, so I'm like, that gap is really big. Right. And so yes, good idea. Break up because that gap is not going to close. Right.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (41:35)

inequality

That's explaining so much. So does that mean that if one partner is considering, sorry, if one partner is continuing to connect with the world and create and the other partner isn't doing that, then the inequality will just push them away.

Lisa Jimenez (41:58)

Further apart. Yeah, further apart, and then because the one partner feels so powerless to change that situation, they become angry because anger feels better than being powerless, right? And then that anger could easily turn into you know, maybe punching the wall or throwing something, you know, and then

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (42:15)

Wow.

Lisa Jimenez (42:26)

Of course, you're going to react, and if you've never seen anything like that, you're going to react, but typically things happen, smaller things happen, you know, it could be ignoring you or withdrawing attention or calling you names or something before the violence escalates. But the farther and farther that gap grows, the more powerless that person below is going to feel. Go ahead.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (42:59)

In your experience of hearing so many stories, what do you say is the next step and series of steps generally for anyone to break free?

Lisa Jimenez (43:13)

planning ⁓ because you know

I think it's something like 85 % of women are killed by an intimate partner when they try to leave. So it's very important that you plan and that if anything has happened or you are fearful of this person, that you tell someone, that you talk to someone, that you have a plan, that you've saved your own money somehow, somewhere. Because sometimes, with our old ideas and traditions that we grew up with. know, grow up, get married, have kids, combine your bank accounts, all of that stuff. I'm going to tell anyone who's listening right now, if you haven't been married yet, do not do that. Do not combine your bank accounts. Keep your own bank account. Split the bills. Do whatever you need to do, but do not combine your money because you will not be able to touch it if you need to leave. Especially if he thinks you're going to leave, he's going to take it and put it somewhere like he's to control it. ⁓ And if he's getting more mad at you about things and feeling more powerless, then what does he have power over? He has power over the money. He has power over your car. He has power over things. So I would say plan. Plan, put money away, plan where you're going to go. Make sure you someone who you can sleep on their couch or whatever it is if you need to get out because you can't just leave and go and rent an apartment.

Like it doesn't happen that way. And especially if you have kids or animals. know, make sure you find a place where you can take them. Believe it or not, a lot of women ⁓ don't leave because they can't take their animals to shelters.

You know, family shelters. You can take your kids, but you can't take your dog. And so they don't want to leave the dog. You know, they don't want to leave their animals at the house. So we actually have a partner that runs animal shelters that will keep your animal until you're safe, and then you can come and get your...

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (45:17)

That's actually an opportunity for those who are into animal welfare is set up more animal refuge spaces or situations like that. It will happen even here in Australia, especially even with the rental market, a lot of rentals won't accept pets. So find anyone or any space where the pet can go at least temporarily.

Lisa Jimenez (45:24)

Right?

Yeah.

Right, right. So, back to my story. So that gap got really big, and I decided I was gonna leave because the violent talk and the actions were sort of escalating, and it was like, and we had bought a house like six months before, just thinking that'll make things better and like, let's just buy the house and everything.

There was a big incident, and it was really scary, and I said I wanted to divorce. And two weeks later, he decided that he was not going to divorce me, that he was going to kill me. And so it ended up, I was thrown through a window, I was stabbed, my fingers were broken, my earrings were ripped down my ears. He tried to hurt me for hours, like me trying to run around the house to get out of the house, and I finally escaped and he was arrested, you know, but you know, another 10 minutes, I would have been a goner because

He had the knife in his hand, and he'd already gotten me once. So it was just a matter of time, you know, because I was getting tired. ⁓ it's a very detailed story, but the police did come because he did break my phone, though, which is a felony in itself. can't ⁓ keep people from being able to call for help.

But when all of it was said and done, he still got 50 % custody of the kids. he was not the only jail time; he did the jail time when he got arrested that night. And because he had been taking pills and booze and was so out of it, when he started detoxing, they put him kind of on his own because he was like, I'm gonna kill myself, know, and because he was detoxing and kind of going crazy.

And so he spent, I think, four or five days in jail, but no other jail time. And that was not because of what he did to me. It was because of his mistake. Right, right.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (47:57)

Rehab. It was essentially, unofficially rehab.

Lisa Jimenez (48:03)

And then we went to Family Court and he got 50 % custody, 50-50, because here in the States, you can't bring up the criminal charges in Family Court if the criminal charges haven't taken place yet, like the courts haven't taken place yet. So I wasn't allowed to talk about it. It just had to be. Why are you getting divorced? And we had to say, irreconcilable differences. Thank you.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (48:30)

Irreconcilable differences. We hear that line in the news whenever a celebrity has a divorce. So is that the default line almost all the time?

Lisa Jimenez (48:38)

Right, right. And then when all was said and done, like two years later, I think, when we finally had the judgment, he got a $258 fine, an anger management class, and six weeks of picking up trash on the highway on a Saturday. And that was it.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (49:06)

How do you navigate sharing parenthood with someone you have that history with?

Lisa Jimenez (49:15)

It's not easy, especially since one of the kids was at home when all of this was happening and was, you know, of course, scared to death and didn't want to be anywhere near him. But, you know, he would be on his best behaviour and try and, you know.

I think it scared him being in jail for those five days, but he never honoured the restraining order. He still came over to the house whenever he felt like it. Yeah, it's not easy, especially since, you know.

You know what he's capable of, and how do you lead your kids with them, right? But if you don't, then you are the one who gets in trouble. Like if I were to say, you can't have the kids, he could take me to court, and then the kids could be taken away from me totally.

Because I would refuse it. So you kind of have to be like, okay, if any, if he gets mad, if anything happens, call me, I'll come and get you, and I'll bring the police. You know, it's just, but the trauma that the kids have to go through is so unacceptable, you know, that the courts don't even consider that.

They're just like making sure that that perpetrator has his rights and has more rights than the victims. So it's a broken system.

So how do we then, as women, how do we change those systems? We have more women go into law. We have more women go into advocacy. We have more women become legislators. We have more women infiltrate those systems so that we can change them.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (51:07)

Yes. And we need more women to soften and have a compassionate approach to leadership because there are some women working in the legal system or anywhere else where they feel the pressure to be tough, the guys around them, but we need an alternative approach to the toughness as well.

Lisa Jimenez (51:31)

Right, right. And so that's funny because I just had this conversation today with somebody about the fact that, you know, violence and the cruelty seems to be the norm now, right? Like, how cruel can we be, and how violent can we be? And violence doesn't always mean hitting, you know, violence is starving people, you know, that's violence. How can we create a world in which we have community and we have rehabilitation, but not only that, but we have that soft approach with our children when we're raising them, right? And we're not teaching our boys to grow up and be cool and entitled and take what they want because they think it's theirs. You know what I mean? Like, there are things that we need to change from that, from the beginning, but also that

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (52:28)

Yes.

Lisa Jimenez (52:32)

that you can be soft and you can be a leader and you can be powerful in that by caring about people and by creating these systems and communities where we do care about our people. We care that you feel powerless. We care that you feel like things are out of your control. But.

Let's change that. Let's figure out how to make you feel empowered and how to make you feel like you can get what you want. But it doesn't have to be this because you're not entitled to this. Right.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (53:08)

Yes, yes. I feel very curious about also what anyone should do if they're in a situation where the other parent is simply very controlling and trying to control every aspect of things.

Lisa Jimenez (53:26)

Yeah, usually by that time, by the time you realise that that person's trying to control everything, you know, it's, it's, that's the biggest red flag because you've pretty much given up your power, right? If that person's trying to control everything and you're, you're, you don't have control over anything, and I, I remember the exact moment that I gave up my power in my relationship. And it, it hit me

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (53:27)

Thanks.

Lisa Jimenez (53:56)

like a ton of bricks, you know, months after this event happened. And thinking like, how did we get here? You know, how did we get this to be this bad? And then just sort of going over our relationship, because you know, you think you're going to be married forever, and that's what you've been sold. And so I think that's it. And, and I remember thinking, my gosh, that that was the moment. And it was like a light bulb going on. That was the exact moment that I gave my power away, From that point forward, I was, you know, walking on eggshells and I was quiet and I was, I shrank myself to fit, and I made sure that he was always happy, but he was never happy because that's a control thing, right?

If they can make you as miserable as possible, then he's controlling that situation. And so, for instance, he loves steak and mashed potatoes, and you make steak and mashed potatoes for him, and you put it on the table, and it's perfect. It's absolutely perfect. And he's like, This steak is terrible. These mashed potatoes are terrible. I hate it. Throws the food across the thing. And you're like, okay, now I've got

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (55:12)

throws the

food.

Lisa Jimenez (55:14)

Yeah. Now I've got to do something else. Like, now I don't know what to do. Now I don't know how else to be perfect because I've tried so hard to be so perfect and make him happy, but he's never happy. And he's doing that because it scares the shit out of you. And when you're scared, you're controllable.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (55:44)

Right, right. I think also sometimes someone can control the parenthood so entirely because that's all they can hold on to.

Lisa Jimenez (55:56)

Right, yeah. Yeah, and it's not always the man in the relationship. know, sometimes it's the woman as well, yeah, controlling that, that parenthood and what you do and how you do it, and your opinions don't matter. Your way of raising the kids doesn't matter. It's my way or no way, you know.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (56:17)

Yeah. Yeah. But I wanted to really circle back to a positive, and I was normally capping these, gosh, I was normally capping these conversations at about an hour. And I think we'll have a little bit more than that. 10 minutes more than that. That's okay. Because we had so much to talk about, but I wanted to know getting back to the events and community connection business. What

Lisa Jimenez (56:22)

Yes.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (56:43)

What three things do you think that all women should be doing to build their independence? Because maybe they had a serious situation, but maybe they are just going steady in a normal life, but wanting to create more and have an adventure or get creative. So what are three things that everybody can do?

Lisa Jimenez (57:06)

Three things that you can do. I would say stop spending so much on things that don't matter.

Starbucks and that is like: make your coffee at home, you know you'll save $100 a week. I'm not kidding, like those kinds of things. You're just feeding the machines. So stop spending is my first thing because you would be so happy to see your bank account at the end of the month. When you stop spending on frivolous things creating, you said creating. One of the things you can do to feel that freedom that you really want to feel so badly in your life is to create. So, whether it's writing songs, poetry, a book, painting, crafting, or learning a craft, there is a giant free well of information called YouTube.

And I guarantee no matter what, if you want to learn how to make brooms, you can find it on YouTube. If you want to know how to, you know, plant a garden, if you want to know like anything you want to know, it's there, find it. Somebody has made it and put it out there for free. There are so many great creators out there. So you can feel free and wealthy and healthy because when you're creating, you're using your right brain, and your right brain is where the world opens up. Your left brain is your logical brain, and the left brain is what tells you you should be doing, you could be doing, you know, keeping you that it's like that little devil on your shoulder, right but that that right brain is that opens you up to the cosmos. So creation is sometimes the same as meditating because you are just in the zone, you know, so it's good for your health as well.

And the third thing is, I think, go find your tribe, your friends, find your chosen family and spend time with them. And do not put energy into people that will not give you the same amount of energy back. It's about reciprocity. That's the only way that community works is that reciprocity. So if you're the one always calling the friend, if you're the one always suggesting that you go out, if you're the one always coming to the rescue, and they don't pick up their phone when you call, maybe that person shouldn't be in your circle. You know what I mean? Like, because you need support too. If you're giving support…

So find those people, and there are lots of ways to do it. are even, I know in Australia there are places you can like go and find a hiking club or a painting club or something like that. Go to a paint and sit class or something, you're going to meet people, and just get out and do it because you need that human connection. We need it for our nervous systems, for our overall health. There's nothing like that, and even tears if there's someone who has pulled space for you, you know? And I don't know how many people actually have that in their lives anymore, but it's so important.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (1:00:57)

It is, you are inspiring me to get back to doing any sort of community events because we always need more spaces to have conversations, either as the main focus or alongside any sort of creativity. Create and connect; that is crucial.

Lisa Jimenez (1:01:14)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and I remember when I was in college and my best friend went to a different school that was, you know, three and a half hours away from me or whatever. But I would drive to her school sometimes on the weekends and hang out with her and her friends. And we'd sit in a coffee shop, and we'd just sit there all day and talk and just get to know each other. It was just something about and those people that I met then I'm still I still have relationships with, you know. But I'm lucky in that,

Even the communities that I've built in the past few years, the women have been amazing. I mean, there have been a few that have dropped out and said, Yeah, I don't want to work with organisations like that. fine. Find your space. That's what it's all about. If this isn't the space for you, then that's OK. I'm sure there's plenty of spaces. There's plenty of people.

Melanie Suzanne Wilson (1:02:16)

There are, there are plenty of people. Lisa, thank you so much for the wisdom and the insights. You're helping everybody to grow.

Lisa Jimenez (1:02:22)

You're welcome.